Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Let me ask you a question…are you sick of being unwell? Do you find yourself feeling as though you have suffered enough and you are done with it already? If you answer yes, then I completely understand where you are coming from. Mostly because I’ve been there and it sucks to start from there so I’m braving up to share my story hoping it may be some kind of normalizing line of crazy to equate your experiences to if you are indeed at the breaking point and truly ready for change.
There comes a point in any kind of suffering when the body and the mind have simply had enough. This is often when we make changes, real changes, and take action to escape the suffering. So, why do so many people still suffer? If it’s so simple and so easy to take new action and change things to get away from pain (for example) then why are so many people in chronic pain? Something that most people overlook is the underlying desire to continue to suffer.
If an individual has really suffered enough, then they will change and they often do. However, I find it is a very rare occurrence that we actually want to get well and let go of suffering. Have any of us have actually suffered enough and at the same time really, down to the core of self, want change? Most of us are actually pretty comfortable creating and recreating the suffering we experience almost every day. Now, I’m not saying that the same story plays out again and again, simply that there is some underlying theme to the suffering that we may not even be aware of and is infiltrating each and every moment, every interaction, and it affects every choice that we make.
There is often some part, however small, that really does want freedom from this vicious cycle. So why do so many continue to create suffering? The part is small and the energy to change direction and begin acting in a very new way takes real courage, motivation, passion, drive, and true desire. This is not something that can be achieved on a whim and for most of us the reality is that we continue to present ourselves with the same messages and the same lessons again and again, somehow failing to learn and grow from our experiences and move on. So what is it exactly that’s going on here? There is an unconscious impulse to be comfortable, even if that means maintaining some degree of suffering. Most often the alternative, taking responsibility for self-created suffering, holds many obstacles.
First, we would have to admit that we are creating suffering in the first place, on purpose because it is in some way serving the current sense of self, or identity. Second, there is attachment to what is known and often there is fear about the unknown. When a person is acting from fear it is not possible to see things clearly. Fear is the foundation of limitation and in adopting and valuing a limited view of the world we are closing ourselves off from the boundless, limitless, expansive, and infinite possibilities that every choice presents. And no wonder why, it’s Sooooooo much easier to place blame, to hand it off as out of our control, and to get stuck inside a small container literally believing that we are not able to break free.
There is something that must occur before this journey is at all appealing to the individual and that fuel for embracing freedom is suffering. I will admit something that might make you hate me, just a little, even though some part of you knows I’m right. I admit that when I see suffering around me I get excited and often smile on the inside. This is not because I am evil or have some evil desire for humans to suffer or be in pain. I smile because I know that this pain and suffering is really fuel for change, fuel for evolution, and it is only when we have suffered enough that we will take the right action and begin to live in a new way. Do people really ever change? Or do we simply create different versions of the same, over and over again? Do people really ever imagine a new life and actually step into it? Is it possible to start living in a whole new way, in a way that is more serving and gentle OR do we simply go round and round–making the same choices in different forms over and over again and again.
I’ve been asking this question for years and I’m not sure I have the answer in speaking of anyone’s experience but my own. I imagined a new life, a new way for MANY years. I was unhappy, even though it seemed like things were actually pretty good for me. I was in a loving marriage with a loving family, I had dogs, a house, a job, and things were happening. It’s not like I was sitting still and totally stagnant or anything…but I was really unhappy and I was suffering. I spent most days finding some kind of escape in between all the to-do’s and although my outlet varied I was always engaged in this roundabout. I’d figure out that some behavior wasn’t working for me and I’d change the behavior, or so I thought. After so many years, I realized something. I had indeed become very good at changing the story and I worked really hard at this ALL THE TIME.
In my 20’s when I settled into home life with my husband (now wusband, btw) I found that the story sounded great. If I were to chronicle my life at this time, it looked damn good on paper. It looked like I should be happy. It looked like I had made it. It looked like there was nothing more to do…yet I found myself forever on-the-move and I was growing more and more unhappy with each passing year. I tried to chalk it up to my past, and I worked for years to let all that go. I tried to chalk it up to my marriage, and I went into counseling. I tried to evaluate my position in life and went back to school. I tried to do everything right, and yet I was becoming more and more sick and tired of life.
The joy that once filled my entire being was suffocating in a sea of emotional smog and negative thinking. I was so unhappy I couldn’t take it anymore and I finally let it all go. I had suffered enough. Even this awareness brought suffering, at this point there was a lot at stake. I had been married for almost five years, we had no kids (thank the greater energies that be) but we did have the dogs, the cats, the pigs, and the fish. We also had a beautiful home and I was the proud new owner of Being In Balance, my first massage and bodywork studio. It made no sense to stop the storyline now, how could I???
At the same time I had known for years that there was this person I wanted to be, I could see her and feel her and she was beautiful. I wanted to know her, I wanted to be her, and I wanted more than anything to walk in her shoes. She was stronger than I felt at the time, she was direct and sure of herself, smart and engaged with life much more fully than I was on most days. As much as I wanted to step into this new idea of me, myself and I…I couldn’t do it. I was afraid. And that fear debilitated me for almost 3 years after I had the clarity and intention to make this change. It’s odd, looking back now, I was really aware and still could not let go of my fear in learning a whole new way to be. I knew I was dying, I could taste it–putrid and foul.
I wanted this to be false and for everything to be fine just as it was, I did not want to change my life-even if it wasn’t working for me. I would have these moments when I’d let go, especially in my first marriage, before it ended, when we would decide to split. In those moments I felt more myself than ever before, so free, so elated, so fine (!) that it scared me half to death and literally within hours I was back in the old way of thinking, making up and deciding it would actually be OK. Well, it wasn’t. I needed a change. As I mentioned, I felt like I was dying. The list of symptoms on my medical charts for that year was a mile long. It included things like migraine headaches, painful periods, back pain, shoulder pain, sciatica, restless legs, IBS, failing vision, recurring sacroiliac injury, infertility, TMJ, abdominal bloating, addiction, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, weakness, fatigue, and general malaise that could not be explained by anything.
All my labs and imaging were fine and the doctors kept telling me there is nothing wrong. Some would look at this and say something was missed and she must have had Lyme disease or chronic infection. Maybe, but I think it was all in my head. I was creating suffering in order to fuel my next move. This was the big one though…it was not easy being so young and feeling so awful all the time. I was fueling up for the main act. I always knew, in my most clear moments, that if I was actually going to leave my life and start a new one that I would intuitively know it was time. For these two and a half years I prayed that this was true because in the meantime, oh boy, was I suffering. I was suffering so hard I wanted mostly to die. Now, I’m not talking about death literally here. I’m talking about the kind of death that leaves an old way of being behind, I’m talking about a total paradigm shift. It’s one thing to talk, as I found for myself.
I could see the new paradigm well before I really felt it or lived it. I wasn’t really walking the walk and this eventually became a limiting factor in my ability to grow. Now, looking back I see that this time in my life was very precious. Messy? Yes. But also precious.
I was vulnerable and in pain. I wanted change and that hurt as much as being where I was at the time.
But you know, I kept on keeping on…and tried my best to do my very best in each moment.
I did make a change. I made a few really big changes BUT this really didn’t work.
It wasn’t until I changed the way I think about things in the world on the inside that I began to build momentum in those new shoes. It wasn’t until I really let go of the old patterns that were so effortlessly allowing me to live with the pain and suffering that I really felt the shift. I was walking in her shoes, and they fit so nice! On this side of the river I can see, I feel open and engaged, facing everything and avoiding nothing in order to be free. I feel more in love and involved in my life now than I ever did before.
How fascinating that I have much less and yet feel much more abundant. I am more fulfilled, have more to give, and more to share than ever before.
I am happy. I’m more creative and stronger and I simply love living life. I look back at that list of symptoms and remember the pain, I mean I was debilitated in so many ways. There was a time period when it took me all day to brave it up and go to the grocery store. I was so afraid to leave the house or see other people. I was alone and I was scared. I look back at this fear and this pain and I see now what purpose it served in my life. This was the fuel for the change that has brought me to NOW. This moment, the only moment. I found it and even if I get lost again I can always come back home to this deep knowing that now lives and breathes inside me.
There is now enough momentum for the new way that I am not afraid anymore. Even when I fall down or face struggle. I know that I am okay. I know that I don’t need to change anything about myself or anyone else, in order to be happy. I know that I don’t need to do anything, or learn anything, or acquire anything…in order to be at peace. I know that I have made it and I completely understand why most don’t make the journey. It was cold and hard, but I came out feeling reborn and I am no longer in pain, I no longer feel afraid. I simply love life…good, bad, …who knows?
I don’t care to judge, it just is and I am here, now, being the best that I can be in each and every moment.
So I look around and see all of those who have not quite suffered enough, those who are in pain, who are sick, who feel the need to complain and blame and act out; and I think wow, what an awesome place to be.
Because I know that they are approaching this tipping point and the universe is inviting them for a reason. The universe is giving you a sign that you are ready, ready to move on from this limited life view and experience the true heaven on earth. To be engaged with life in a way that is absolutely serving. The universe is poking you hard in the thigh, asking if you can see and hear her call.
She asks more and more loudly the longer her invitation goes unanswered. So, you see the suffering is the fuel for the long drive home. I invite you to get on board and enjoy the ride!